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The Diagnosis is Autism

May 19, 2012

After several specialists tests yesterday I was given the diagnosis of Autism for my youngest child. And it’s likely that her twin brother, who is still going through testing, has it as well.

My first thought was ‘what did I do wrong?’

And people can sit there for all their worth and tell me it’s nothing I’ve done, it just happens, but unless you’re faced with the situation of having not one but both of your babies slapped with the label Autistic you can never truly understand the heaviness of the guilt that threw itself upon me the moment the words were out of the specialists mouth.

But do you know what? Crying about it doesn’t do a damn thing. My pity party that lasted all night, and several frickin huge blocks of chocolate and a Hart of Dixie finale later, hasn’t done anything to change the fact that my children learn differently from others. They’re a Linux system running in a Microsoft dominated world. And now I have to figure out how I can help them get the best out of  life.

Last night I went through all the selfish issues of how this could happen to us, our family. How could children born to me have something wrong with their neurological wiring? I threw in all the self pitying crap you can imagine, it was a right royal free for all of inhaling chocolate, watching Wilson Bethel take his shirt off, and blotting up the snot that was running down my face. Why the hell do I have such guilt about all this?

My husband told me that it’s just a challenge that we as a family have to overcome. We have to work out how to get the best out of life. But it’s hard. It’s such a hard road. I’m a teacher, I’ve seen kids come and go from all parts of the spectrum, and I’ve seen the struggles their families go through.

I don’t know if I can do it.

I’m worried that as a mother I’ll fail my kids. That I won’t find the best fit for them to excel in life. That I’ll miss something somewhere and end up letting them down.

My children are IVF babies. The three of them had the same chance at life. My oldest boy could count to twenty at 12months of age, he does well in school, and applies himself to everything he can. The twins only started to speak at 4 1/2 yrs of age. They’re currently 2 years behind their cohort. I’m trying to make sense of all of this.

It just happens.

The experts don’t know what causes it or how to make it go away.

It just happens.

I wish someone had the answer.

All I know is I have two wonderful children who bring me so much joy and I have to find a way to make sure they get the best out of life.  Pity parties don’t work, they leave you with chocolate induced headaches. It’s time to go to work.

Fuck Autism. My kids are great.



2 Comments leave one →
  1. May 20, 2012 5:30 pm

    Fuck autism indeed.

    • Natalie Hatch permalink*
      May 20, 2012 7:12 pm

      Thanks Kel! I thought of you as Wilson was getting his kit off in the Hart of Dixie finale, certainly made the chocolate worthwhile.

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